Malin Andersson bravely opens up on having postnatal depression after daughter Consy’s tragic death

After I gave birth to Consy, she was immediately taken away from me. I never got to hold her, I was only allowed to take her in my arms after she had died.

It had a massive impact on me because I was so concerned about her wellbeing that I had no ounce of happiness that I had just given birth to something beautiful.

It was so painful because she was my little girl and it felt like she was somebody else's. I didn't have a connection with her. I felt like a failure.

After she'd gone, my body was still full of hormones so I was still getting all the emotional and physical changes of having just had a baby.

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Because you've given birth and your child is gone, you automatically think everything else that came with it should be gone too. But no, your body is still changing.

So the hormones were still there, I was still up and down, I lost loads of hair, my C section scar was quite raw and prominent, I was bloated…

My milk kept coming out for about three months after. I cried a lot. I'd be in the bath, squeezing my boobs, wanting it to come out so it would just be finished.

The milk was the most painful thing out of them for me to experience because I should have been feeding her but it was just coming out and I had no control over it.

It's not just that your baby has died, your body is also getting rid of the baby for months after.

I didn't want to admit it, but I had a postnatal depression. Even when she was alive, I was having some really dark thoughts.

I was so depressed and I would get really bad thoughts and imagery of her. I remember wondering what it was and it turned out to be intrusive thoughts.

At the time, I made a vow that I would kill myself if she died. It took some amazing strength to bring myself back from those dark thoughts.

They carry on for a while, too, because you're in denial of things that are happening to you. I had to save myself from it. I educated myself on it, I had therapy instantly and I realised that it was okay to feel upset.

I think a lot of women feel really ashamed. I had to go on Amazon and buy a book called Intrusive Thoughts because I didn't know what was happening and I felt so embarrassed and ashamed.

I look back and I just think everything I felt was normal. I wasn't crazy or not normal for feeling like that. I don't feel like a failure anymore.

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When women are experiencing these changes to their body when they've lost their baby, you have to look at it like it's a beautiful trail your son or daughter has left for you.

It's like a memory that fades but the memory imprint is always going to be there. For instance, I look at my C section scar now and smile.

It doesn't hurt anymore.

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